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The funeral provides an opportunity for the
survivors and others who share in the loss to express
their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life
that has been lived. Through the funeral the bereaved
take that first step toward emotional adjustment to
their loss.
THE FUNERAL SERVICE
The type of service conducted for the deceased is
specified by the family. Funeral directors are trained
to assist families in arranging whatever type of
service they desire. The service, held either at a
place of worship or at the funeral home with the
deceased present, varies in ritual according to
denomination. The presence of friends at this time is
an acknowledgement of friendship and support. It is
helpful to friends and the community to have an
obituary notice published announcing the death and
type of service to be held.
PRIVATE SERVICE
This service is by invitation only and may be held
at a place of worship, a funeral home or a family
home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close
friends attend the funeral service. Often public
visitation is held, condolences are sent, and the body
is viewed.
MEMORIAL SERVICE
A memorial service is a service without the body
present and can vary in ceremony and procedures
according to the community and religious affiliations.
Some families prefer public visitations followed by a
private or graveside service with a memorial service
later at the church or funeral home.
PALLBEARERS
Friends, relatives, church members or business
associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers. The
funeral director will secure pallbearers if requested
to do so by the family.
HONORARY PALLBEARERS
When the deceased has been active in political,
business, church or civic circles, it may be
appropriate for the family to request close associates
of the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers. They
do not actively carry the casket.
EULOGY
A eulogy may be given by a member of the family,
clergy, a close personal friend or a business
associate of the deceased. The eulogy is not to be
lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation and
reflect the life of the person who has died.
DRESS
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer
inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons
attending a funeral should be dressed in good taste so
as to show dignity and respect for the family and the
occasion.
FUNERAL PROCESSION / CORTEGE
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both
held within the local area, friends and relatives may
accompany the family to the cemetery. The procession
is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The
funeral director can advise you of the traffic
regulations and procedures to follow while driving in
a funeral procession.
CONDOLENCES
The time of death is a very confusing time for
family members. No matter what your means of
expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly
identify yourself to the family.
FLOWERS
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way
of expressing sympathy to the family of the deceased.
Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and offer
much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can
either be sent to the funeral home or the residence.
If sent to the residence, usually a planter or a small
vase of flowers indicating a person's continued
sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist
places an identification card on the floral tribute.
At the funeral home the cards are removed from the
floral tributes and given to the family so they may
acknowledge the tributes sent.
MASS CARDS
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or
non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is a
valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A
card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been
arranged may be obtained from any Catholic parish. In
some areas it is possible to obtain Mass cards at the
funeral home. The Mass offering card or envelope is
given to the family as an indication of understanding,
faith and compassion. Make sure that your name and
address is legible and that you list your postal code.
This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge
your gift.
MEMORIAL DONATIONS
A memorial contribution, to a specific cause or
charity, can be appreciated as flowers. A large number
of memorial funds are available, however the family
may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations
provide financial support for various projects. If
recognized as a charitable institution, some gifts may
be deductible for tax purposes. Your funeral director
is familiar with them and can explain each option, as
well as furnish the donor with "In Memoriam"
cards, which are given to the family.
SYMPATHY CARDS
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an
acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to the
family members to know they are in good thoughts. The
card should be in good taste and in keeping with your
relationship to the family of the deceased.
PERSONAL NOTE
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful.
Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression
such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal
loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept
with other messages.
TELEPHONE CALL
Speaking to a family member gives you an
opportunity to offer your services and make them feel
you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent
loss, don't hesitate to talk to the person about the
deceased. Be a good listener. Sending a telegram
expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.
VISITATION
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that
although someone has died, friends still remain. Your
presence is an eloquent statement that you care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to
offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather
than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office,
supermarket or social activities. The obituary/death
notice will designate the hours of visitation when the
family will be present and will also designate the
times when special services such as lodge services or
prayer services may be held. Persons may call at the
funeral home at any time during suggested hours of the
day or evening to pay respects, even though the family
is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to
sign the register book. A person's full name should be
listed e.g. "Mrs. Jane Doe". If the person
is a business associate, it is proper to list their
affiliation as the family may not be familiar with
their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgment on how long they
should remain at the funeral home or place of
visitation. If they feel their presence is needed,
they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over, the survivors often
feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is
important that they know you are still there. Keep in
touch.
SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS
When a person calls at the funeral home, sympathy
can be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace, or a
simple statement of condolence, such as:
"I'm sorry."
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He
will be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:
"Thanks for coming."
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and
thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The family should acknowledge the flowers and
messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and
personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts
also should be acknowledged, as should the services of
the pallbearers. The funeral director may have
available printed acknowledgement cards which can be
used by the family. When the sender is well known to
the family, a short personal note should be written on
the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a
contribution or personal service received. The note
can be short, such as:
"Thank you for the beautiful roses. The
arrangement was lovely.
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family.
Your kindness is deeply appreciated."
In some communities it is a practice to insert a
public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral
director can assist you with this.
CHILDREN AT FUNERALS
At a very early age, children have an awareness of
and a response to death. Children should be given the
option to attend visitation and the funeral service.
The funeral director can advise you on how to assist
children at the time of a funeral and can provide you
with additional information and literature.
GRIEF RECOVERY
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it
realistically with friends and relatives. When a
person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared.
Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself
to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It
is important that we share our grief with one another.
Your local funeral director can help family and
friends locate available resources and grief recovery
programs in your area
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